Myth #9 - If you wait long enough, you'll meet "the one"

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

Most girls believe getting "the perfect guy" is a matter of fate.  All she needs to do is wait.  And wait.  No need to rush.  No need to settle.  Plenty of fish and plenty of time, right?

I'll be blunt.  There is no such thing as "fate”.  That is just nonsense garbage and you know it.  You know that aggressive girls are far more likely to find boyfriends than shy girls.  If it were truly just a matter of “fate”, then shy girls and aggressive girls would have an equal chance.  That’s hardly the case. 

Relying on fate and fairy tales isn't just harmless fun.  The truth is, the longer you cling to such beliefs, the worst your chances in courtship.  Here is why:

Because a girl's social value is tied primarily to her appearance, her social value peaks in her early 20s.  It starts declining slightly throughout her mid 20s.  By her late 20s, it plummets like an elephant off a cliff.  By 30, it's pretty much game over.

That means, the longer she relies on fate in meeting that "perfect guy", the less likely she'll find him.  If you wait too long, your time in the social marketplace will expire.  Some of you don't seem to realize that you only live once.

Some of you think you can exercise and care for yourself to maintain a youthful appearance.  Trust me, if were that easy, no women will have an aged appearance.  Oil of Olay is no match for Father Time. 

Many of you in your teens may think "well, I'm still young and don't have to rush".  You’re right.  But here’s why you should start dating by your late teens (at the latest).  It takes a lifetime to get good at relating with guys.  The genders do think and act very differently.  So it's not like suddenly…BOOM!…you will get good once you graduate from university or whenever your parents finally approve.  You can read all the advice in Cosmo or self-help books.  But there is no substitute for experience and trial and error. 

I know traditional Asian parents will excoriate me for encouraging teenagers to date.  However, I'm not suggesting for 15-year-olds to find a hot and heavy relationship.  There's nothing wrong with 15-year-old girls starting to flirt and interacting with guys for casual courtship.  Trust me.  She and her parents will thank me someday.  Social education is just as important as academic education (and something you can get only while you’re young).

Myth #8 - Guys are very picky about a girl's appearance

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

This myth is very incorrect. 

Take a straight guy to a crowded beach or mall and, within an hour, he will spot dozens of girls that he would find "doable".  Girls, on the other hand, are the ones who would find every imaginable flaw about any guy's appearance.  "Oh, he's too [tall, fat, short, bald, etc.]". 

The truth is, guys are extremely casual about a girl's appearance.  There's a reason for this, and discussing it will give me a chance to discuss another facet of courtship theory. 

Guys are more casual about a girl's appearance because "spreading his seeds" is a biological strategy.  As long as she meets his minimum physical criteria, he's programmed to want sex with as many of them as possible to maximize the chances of passing on his genetics.  That's why guys have few hang-ups paying for sex, going to strip clubs and maintaining a massive porn stash (whereas, almost no women would think of doing these things). 

Women, on the other hand, have a different biological strategy.  She cannot "spread her seeds" because, once impregnated, she is out of commission for nine months.  Furthermore, she is only fertile for about twenty years.  As such, her biological strategy is not to have voluminous sex but to find "the one" who will provide for her.  This is why girls are far pickier about guys.  She cannot afford to sleep around and get pregnant and have guys abandon her.  This is also why girls are far more offended than guys about infidelity and "players". 

What does this mean for you?  It means you must first meet his physical requirements.  We've already talked about that.  Unfortunately, because many girls will, you will have to compete within this set.  The good news is, once you're in the set, you don't need to be the most beautiful in the set.  You just need to respond to the four questions from Myth #2 better than your competitors.  I assure you your dad didn't choose your mom because she was a physical specimen of absolute feminine perfection.  He will choose someone less prettier if she demonstrates better social/maternal skills and isn't a constant pain-in-the-ass. 

Myth #7 - Guys don't like flirty aggressive girls

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

This is a popular myth. 

From the previous article, we learned a guy is biologically programmed to seek reproductive value in women.  So why would guys be turned off by a female's flirtiness and aggressiveness?  If anything, this behavior would INCREASE her reproductive value.  Obviously, if a guy wants to reproduce, he wouldn't prefer shy withdrawn types (those lacking in sexual assertiveness).

Furthermore, from Myth #3, we learned playing hard-to-get is a horrible courtship strategy for girls.  Logically and conversely, that would mean playing easier-to-get is a good strategy.  Now, I'm not recommending for girls to be "easy".  There is still a need to retain a modicum of respectability and modesty.  Striking the right balance between being too easy and too difficult is, unfortunately, a topic that is beyond the scope of this series.

Even without the science, we can see why this myth is absurd.  Take two girls at a party, both of equal attractiveness.  Girl #1 is flirty, touchy and approaches guys.  Girl #2 is withdrawn, shy and doesn't initiate.  Which girl will attract more guys?  Which girl will end the night exchanging more phone numbers?

The answer is obvious.  If you think it's Girl #2, you must be of some alien race or never attended a party. 

Although I have never heard a guy agreeing with this myth, why is it so popular?  Two reasons:

First, many people believe in whatever idea justifies their behavior.  Shy girls want to believe guys like shy girls.  She doesn’t want to change (or can’t), so she clings to whatever wishful thinking that makes her content with her life.  To be fair, people of both genders do this.  Lots of crazy people harbor insane social, religious and political beliefs to justify their bizarre lifestyles, desires and actions. 

Second, this myth is perpetuated because girls are fearful of competition.  It's a way of telling competitors not to intrude. 

By the way, notice on the forum the shy and "old fashioned" types are the ones with the most courtship problems.  How come you never hear a girl say "I like flirting and initiating but can't find a boyfriend"?  Go search the forum and tell me if you find such a thread. 

#6 - Guys want intelligent and independent women

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

This is going to be a long entry.  But read it carefully for it contains ABSOLUTE FACT about attraction that girls rarely hear (or want to hear).  It is going to be brutally honest. 

Many girls think guys prefer the "modern women".  You know, she's educated, independent and a man's equal.  This is a myth, and a very bad one. 

Look at personal ads.  Less than 1% of guys say they want women with high income.  Less than 10% say they want “highly educated” women.  Yet, if you read ads written by women, a majority will seek one of these two qualities (often both). 

Clearly, neither gender really wants equality.  "Equality" is just a happy-feel-good term that has no basis in reality.  The truth is, guys generally want a girl who's his inferior and a girl generally wants a guy who's her superior.

This social arrangement is not hard to understand if you dissect the science behind attraction and human evolution. 

Love exists for two things: survival and replication.  That's it.  There's no "magic" to it.  To be specific, guys want girls for their reproduction value.  That's why he's so concerned about a girl's youth and beauty.  These are reproductive qualities.  Girls want guys for their survival value.  That's why girls want popular and wealthy guys of high status.  These are survival qualities. 

Some of you are thinking why such primitive ideas are relevant in modern society.  That's because the human brain is designed for living in primitive hunter-gather societies.  It is only in the last 200 years that most people live in highly organized cities.  200 years is not enough time for the physics of the human brains to change.  As such, core human emotions and desires are functioning as if it is 2000 BC. 

If you go to a formal gathering such as a wedding or the prom, you'll see this "primitive" dynamic in action.  Guys are dressed in fancy suits.  Suits imply status.  This reveals his survival value.  Girls are dressed in flirty dresses where you can see her boobs.  This reveals her reproductive value.  Even on most real dates, you'll see guys who are well-dressed while girls wear short miniskirts.  Duh. 

What does this mean for you? Of course, it means you must improve your appearance.  We talked about this already. 

It also means you cannot aim to be a man's "equal".  He wants submissiveness because submission is a reproductive value.  She submits to him and tends to his domestic needs (such as child rearing, raising the family, cooking, etc.).  I know some of you who harbor feminist-leanings don't want to hear this.  But this is a social fact and no amount of wishful thinking will trump evolutionary forces. 

As such, you should not try to "outsmart" him or be more popular.  If you are, fine.  But stressing it will scientifically hurt your chances in courtship.  Instead, you must appeal to his need for submission.  You should see him as a leader and a protector.  Ask him for help on homework.  Or call him to tell him you're scared about something.  It will trigger his instinctual need for submission and make attraction more likely. 

Myth #5 - Guys will choose "bros before hos"

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

This is really one of the dumbest myths out there. 

There is no reason why a guy has to choose between a guy friend or a girl.  Guys rarely violate another guy's territory, something many guys call "The Guy Code".  That code not only demands other guys respect their territory, it also demands guys not snitch on other guys if he cheats, goes to a strip bar, visits a prostitute, etc. 

Notice girls don't have a "Girl Code".  Two girls can be "BFF" one day, and the next day, will rip each other's eyes out for a guy.  Clearly, there is far less drama in guy-guy friendships than for girl-girl friendships. 

There's another reason why guys don't fight over girls the same way girls fight each other for a guy.  Most girls desire popular guys, something I call the "Popularity Principle".  Because of the Popularity Principle, it sets up frequent social situations where girls will need to compete with a friend over a particular guy.  That's why 80% of the time, if a girl ends a friendship with another, it's because of a guy. 

There is no such thing as "Popularity Principle" for guys.  If a guy finds you unattractive, it doesn't matter how popular you become, he'll still think you're unattractive.  Guys seek beauty first, and beauty is common enough so that guys don't need to battle each other. 

In rare cases where a guy truly has to choose, guess what? HE WILL VERLY LIKELY CHOOSE THE GIRL.  History has shown that guys will even choose a girl over his own family.  Love exists for survival and replication.  Girls provide those needs for a guy far more than a male buddy. 

Many guys may say "bros before hos" to remind each another of the Guy Code.  It's just a saying.  Don't take it literally. 

12 JSBach Commandments for Guys

I've just placed an animated GIF in the signature of my AF posts with these 12 JSBach Commandments:

1. Do not chase, be "too easy" or be "too available".  Girls are repulsed by the usual "nice guy" routine.

2. Never confess first. She won't suddenly become attracted simply because you confessed.  Be patient and play the game instead.

3. Do not talk on eggshells.  It's OK to say blunt, unpredictable and outrageous things.  No girl wants try-hards who tries impressing her with being proper or perfect.

4. Be fearless in saying NO or disagreeing or walking away.  If you have no backbone, a girl will not be interested.

5. Do not lean in when speaking.  It is a sign of neediness -- and neediness is a trait of low value guys.

6. Often be the first to end the conversation, and end it when it's still going strong, not when it begins to drag.

7. Ask her out early in the friendship.  Make it casual, not some "hot date".  Wait too long and your invitation will seem awkward, pressuring and creepy.

8. Initiate touching ASAP.  Escalate to romantic touching such as long cuddles and cheek pecking.

9. Tease her relentlessly.  They love being teased and "play fighting".  You should aim to be a bratty older brother.

10. Have a life, especially with other girls.  Girls want guys who are wanted by other girls.  Popularity and ability to stir jealousy are your biggest assets.

11. Flirt/date with as many girls as possible.  Play the numbers game or don't play at all.

12. Remember PASSION = HOPE + DOUBT.  Be inconsistant and make her confused.  Show interest while casting doubts whether it is genuine or if it will last.

***BREAK ANY COMMANDMENT ONLY IF YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND WHY IT EXISTS AND WHY THE PROS OF BREAKING IT OUTWEIGHTS THE CONS***

Myth #4 - Being rude gets a guy's attention

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

Many girls wanting a guy's attention will treat him poorly.  Remember back in kindergarten when a girl throws sand at a boy she likes?  Many girls still do it when grown -- except she does it in more sophisticated way.  It's easy to understand why.  She wants a guy's attention.  But she doesn't want to be friendly because it entails possibility of rejection.  So she acts rudely instead.  After all, getting his attention by throwing sand entails less risk than drawing him a Valentine. 

There's another reason girls do this.  It's what pickup artists call a "shit test".  She wants him to prove himself and see what kind of crazy obstacles he's willing to climb. 

For these two reasons, many girls adopt an approach to courtship that involves unfriendly behavior such as not returning his text messages, flaking on a date, being rude, etc.  They think it works.  This is a myth. 

This article is a continuation of the previous.  In the last article, I introduced the Confidence Principle and why playing "hard to get" is a horrible idea.  In this article, we go further with the "Fuck It" Principle. 

Most guys will readily accept the fact he needs to initiate, take risks and endure resistant or negative treatment from you.  It's part of being a guy in the courtship game. 

But like everything, there is a limit to what a person can tolerate.  If he feels you're being excessive, you risk offending his ego and his sense of fair play.  This is when a "Wall of Weirdness" descends.  This wall exists when there is a battle of egos.  Once erected, someone has to surrender.  If he feels you're not playing fair, he won't surrender.  And if you don't either, the game is over for both parties.  Is this what you call successful courtship? 

Rather, successful courtship involves cooperation on your part and ensuring the Wall of Weirdness doesn’t get built to begin with.  The best way to win a war is not to start one.  When he initiates -- you either reciprocate or escalate.  And sometimes, you initiate too.  Like training a dog, you reward good behavior and punish bad ones.  That is how you condition the other party to do what you want.  If he's playing nice and you punish him, you may trigger the "Fuck It" principle.  He's going to wonder why he needs to put up with this shit when so many other girls are around.

Going back to an earlier point, most girls put up a "shit test" to test how much a guy likes her.  Keep in mind that, the higher his social value, the less tolerance he'll have.  These are the guys who have options.  So ironically, the guys worth having are least likely to pass your "shit test".  Those who pass are low value guys, those without options, who will continue to chase and endure and chase some more.  Unsurprisingly, this is why bitchy girls often end up with losers, sex fiends, wife beaters and rednecks. 

Myth #3 - Playing hard-to-get will make him pursue me

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

This is a common myth.  A girl erects obstacles thinking it will drive a guy nuts and make him more likely to pursue.  People want something when it's hard to get, right?  Heck, even JSBach says so!  He advises guys to "be a challenge" to pique a girl's interest.

Here's where you've made a logical error.  Courtship strategies that work for guys do not necessarily work for girls, and vice versa.  Because men and women have different roles in society, evolution has carved different strategies and needs for the two genders.

The truth is YES, if he's interested, making it hard for him will likely make him even more interested.  It's human nature to desire the unattainable.

But here's why you shouldn't do it.  People are also more likely to take a risk when they feel a greater likelihood of success.  This is an economic law.  As such, the more obstacles you place, the more risk he feels, the less likelihood he’ll pursue you.  That's why most guys don't randomly approach girls on the street.  Even though he has nothing to lose, he knows there is dim chance of success.  Not to mention, nobody enjoys rejection, no matter how playerish or carefree he is. 

This is what I call the Confidence Principle, a dynamic can be represented mathematically by something like this:

P = i(c^2)

Whereas...

P = Likelihood he'll pursue you
i = His interest in you
c = His confidence that his risk will be rewarded

This means, while his interest is important, his confidence is far more important.  If you play mind and jealousy games, yeah, he might be more interested.  But if he feels fear and never takes action, you will never know.  Nothing will happen unless YOU pursue him, which I know most of you are reluctant to do.  Trust me.  If you’re the type brave enough to ask guys out, you wouldn’t be single or need to follow my writings.

Every guy has been in love with a girl but never had the guts to do anything about it.  And she doesn't have the guts either.  This is what I call Junior High School romance.  It's when a guy and girl like each other but nothing happens and nobody knows.  If you're OK with nothing happening and never knowing, go ahead with the obstacles.

Please remember this Confidence Principle.  It will be repeated throughout this series.

Corey Haim, the 80s and JSBachism

I'll post the next article in the Myth series tomorrow or the next night. 

Yesterday, 80s film actor Corey Haim died of drug overdose.  I was barely out of diapers when he was active in film.  But I'm a fan of 80s culture and have seen his work on DVD. 

Throughout the 80s, there were countless great films about high school, first loves and teen angst.  Corey starred in what I believe to be the best of these films: Lucas.  I saw it about ten years ago and it's a movie I still vividly remember.  I don't think there's a straight guy who couldn't relate to the movie.  It also contained a bit of JSBachism. 

Lucas is about a likeable but geeky kid named Lucas who, over one summer, met a pretty older girl named Maggie who just moved into town.  During that summer, the two hung out and developed a deep friendship.  Unbeknownst to her, he began to develop feelings for her. 

Eventually, summer ended and the two returned to school.  Because Maggie was pretty, she eventually found new friends amongst the "in" crowd and became a cheerleader.  Lucas hung with the nerdy crowd instead and was subjected to hazing and bullying.  As time wore on, their social paths diverged. 

Soon, Maggie befriended a popular football player named Cappie.  Cappie was a nice guy and was also a friend to Lucas.  Cappie and Maggie eventually got closer and more romantic until one night, they shared a kiss during some encounter.  Unknown to them, Lucas witnessed the kiss from a distance. 

In desperation, Lucas decided to act.  He decided the only way to win her is by joining the football team -- even though he was not athletic and wholly undersized. 

I'm not going to give the movie away.  But you should really watch it.  Very sad and tragic, but also sweet and uplifting.  The DVD will likely be hard to find or rent, but I think your effort would be well-rewarded. 

The reason JSBachism is involved is because of what Lucas said at one point in the film.  It was a confessional scene between Lucas and Maggie.  I forgot the exact words, but he said how nerdy outcasts like him would always lose the girl because she is biologically programmed to seek the strongest male for her own survival and for the survival of the species.  That same statement could have been printed on this blog.  He was a smart kid who thought scientifically. 

Of course, his assessment was right -- but only for high school where high-value girls prefer jockish guys.  But when university comes around, it will be the nerdy guy's turn.  That’s because, at that stage, girls begin wising up and realize that physical strength or athleticism doesn’t necessarily make a guy “the strongest”.  Social skills, education, money and other factors are far more important in determining who is “strongest”. 

I know some of you who follow my writings are in high school.  Let me assure you.  High school will be the lamest, shallowest and dumbest place you'll ever experience.  Just tolerate it.  In the mean time, devote to learning great social skills and PUA tactics in preparation of university life.  I promise brighter days are ahead. 

Myth #2 - Guys are complicated

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

Most girls think guys are complicated.  They spend countless eternities asking themselves "what do guys want?" or "what is he thinking?"

What a waste of time.  The truth is, when it comes to love and romance, guys are as straight-forward and simple as single-celled bacteria.

There's a reason why guys are simple.  A guy's brain is more logical and stable than a girl's.  There are scientific reasons for this -- but it's beyond this article's scope for me to prove.  Rather, I'll just invite you to read AF's relationship forum.  Notice guys are rarely "confused" or ask "do I like her?"  Guys are less likely to believe in nonsense like astrology, palm reading, fate, destiny, magic spells or other superstitious dribble.

It's clear guys are more logical and don't suffer from a diarrhea of emotions, uncertainty, fickleness and hormones as girls do.

Because guys are simple, it's easy to figure out his intent.  If he constantly makes REPEATED and SUSTAINED efforts to get your attention and be around you, he's likely interested.  If he doesn't, he doesn't.  It's really that simple.  Really.

So what do guys want?  Clearly, his first concern is physical standards.  If you don't pass, you don't play.  It is in your overwhelming interest to improve your appearance and dress.

If you do pass, he'll ponder these four questions:

- Is she sweet/feminine/nice enough?
- Do I have a shot?
- Is she worth the hassle?
- Is someone else better?

Everything else is a non-factor.  Any guy who says he needs to put school first or that his parents disapprove is full of shit.  Unless the guy is of super high value, he's not going to care about your money, if you come from a good family, if you have a good education or whatever.

Therefore...

- If he never showed interest, you failed his physical standards.
- If he showed it but lost it, you failed one or more of those four questions

So the bottom line is, if he's interested and you give him the opportunity, reason and encouragement, he will follow through 99% of the time.  If it's complicated, it's because you made it complicated.

Myth #1 - Love is blind

(An ongoing series "Ten Common Myths Girls Believe about Courtship")

Lots of girls think love is "blind" or "random".  And why not?  They would see a mismatched couple where one person is wayyyy more attractive than the other.  Love must be blind.

NOT.

The truth is, love is HIGHLY predictable.  Love is predictable because there is a natural order to courtship.  To make a long story short, people of near-equal value will end up together.  High-value guys will wind up with high-value girls, low-value guys will end up with low-value girls.  You won't see a "hot" guy with a cool clubbing lifestyle paired with an unattractive girl.  You won't see a "hot" model girl paired with a high school dropout frying chickens at KFC.  If love is "blind" or "random", you would commonly see these types of couples.

The reason you may see a "mismatched" couple is, a guy's value is harder to see.  A girl's social value is tied to her beauty, age and sexuality.  That's easy to see.  But a guy's social value is tied to his status, popularity and social skills.  That's much harder to see.  You might think "why is that hot babe with that short ugly guy".  Well, maybe that short ugly guy is a drummer in a band, drives a Mercedes and has an exciting social life (which makes him of high social value).

There is a simple reason why people of equal value end up with each other.  It's the social marketplace at work.  If there is a mis-match, the higher value person will feel shortchanged and his/her eyes will wander.  This causes the relationship to be unstable.  The lower value person will feel insecure, cling and do psycho things.  This also causes the relationship to be unstable.  These folks will continue to fail in relationships until they're matched with someone of near-equal value.

Mathmatically, you can represent this dynamic with the following equation:

I = abs(M-F) or I = |M-F|

Whereas:

I = instability
M = value of the guy
F = value of the girl

Hence, the greater the difference in social value, the greater the instability.

What does this mean to you?  That means, if you want a high-value guy, you need to raise your value.  This series will teach you how (don't expect miracles though).  Don't think you can cheat the social marketplace and end up with a "hot" guy when you're not equally hot.  That could happen, but is very unlikely.  The social marketplace tends to ensure you get what you deserve, not what you want.

Mystery's New Book

Wow, it's been about three months since the last entry.  Don't worry, I have not abandoned this blog or the Stylelife Challenge.

During these last few months, I bought a new house.  Since I live hundreds of miles from my parents and relatives, most of the work was done by myself.  Let me warn you.  Buying a house is one of the most labor-intensive and stressful activities you'll ever do.

Thankfully, the light is at the end of the tunnel.  You don't believe how much I'm looking forward to getting life back to normal and devoting to this blog again.  About another week and most of the work will be done.

But enough about me.  You're not here to read about my non-courtship activities.

About a month ago, I bought and read Mystery's new book called The Pickup Artist (what an original title).  A fantastic read!  His previous book, The Mystery Method, was very analytical and filled with humorless charts, diagrams and jargon.  It was like reading a Calculus textbook.

The Pickup Artist reads more like a novel/narrative, similar to Neil Strauss' The Game.  In his new book, Mystery tells a story about teaching a new student named Adam.  Through telling this story, Mystery reveals his theories, tips and technique.  I wouldn't say this book offers anything particularly new or insightful compared to The Mystery Method.  But the material is definitely presented in a much readable fashion.

My only complaint is that Mystery focuses his techniques solely for clubbing and bar environments.  In fact, in this book, he explicitly discourages guys from "day game" which he considers a waste of time.  This is a major flaw as most guys, I'd bet, would prefer non-club situations, especially when starting out.  This is why Neil Strauss, in my opinion, still offers a better, more relevant strategy.  Strauss is much more of a "day game" kinda guy.

Link to The Pickup Artist on Amazon