Mistake #16 - Not expressing sexuality (Part 2)

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

In the last chapter, I revealed a hidden truth amongst most women: they are also horny and attracted to physically assertive guys while pretending that they don't.  Even without the academic research I referenced, this should be obvious.  Go to an online sex store like Adam & Eve and you'll see over 500 models of vibrators and dildos.  There are way more sex toys for women than men. 

The good news for most guys is, they don't need to have a super hot body to generate sexual desire from women.  Women are less visual and more emotional, which is why they watch porn less and read trashy romance novels more. 

So what does these insights mean for you during courtship?  First, it means it's OK for you to have sexual desires because she has them too (sometimes more than you).  Don't be a pussy and think "oh I need to respect her body and not think of her as a sex object".  That’s just idiotic feminist crap.  Trust me, girls want to be seen as sex objects.  They don't spend infinite money on clothes, cosmetics and dieting so that guys would want them for their personality. 

Second, it means you must express those sexual desires through physical assertiveness.  When you first meet a girl, you need to get a bit touchy immediately (and I literally mean "immediately").  Perhaps touch her arm to stress a point or if something funny is said.  While there is nothing sexual about that, it sets an expectation that you're "that sort of guy".  This makes eventual and gradual physical escalation less awkward. 

Here's the progression of kinoing...

- Touch her arm
- One arm side hug
- Friendly frontal hug
- Touch her back or shoulder as you open door for her
- Deep frontal hug (here's where it begins getting sexual)
- Peck on cheek
- Real kiss on cheek
- Hand holding
- Nibble on ear/neck
- Kiss on lips
- (use your imagination)

Of course, don't try to mount her on the first date and be wary of her limitations.  If she says NO, then it's NO.  I'm not going to be responsible if you get arrested.  The kino rule of thumb is this: go slowly but daringly while ensuring there is progress over time.  If she resists, don't take it personally and try again later.  Token resistance is expected as part of her Anti-Slut Defense (ASD).  If she still resists or resist harder after another attempt, that's where you draw the line for now. 

Even when girls genuinely reject your physical advances, they will rarely slap you or disassociate with you entirely.  If anything, they tend to respect you more, especially if you brush off her rejection and pretend it didn't happen.  As mentioned earlier in the series, if she rejects you as a boyfriend outright because you escalated physically (within reason), you probably never had a chance to begin with. 

Younger girls would probably truthfully say they don't have sexual urges.  That's because they’ve never had sex.  Once they do, most will change their minds.  Besides, even these "sexless" girls will confess that they enjoy romantic hugging and kissing, which comes from that same physical desire. 

Unfortunately, there's a comparatively greater chance that an Asian girl might get offended over kino, even low-level kinoing.  Due to repressive Asian upbringing, some are truly repulsed by sex and it's not just an ASD reaction.  If that happens, consider it a good thing.  If she goes ape shit over something natural and vital to humanity's survival, maybe this uptight sexless girl isn't such a hot prospect after all. 

DLV: Not making physical contact
DHV: Kinoing immediately and gradually escalating

Mistake #16 - Not expressing sexuality (Part 1)

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

OK, I'm going to cheat on this series.  I know I've already posted all twelve "mistakes".  But there is no way I can let this series end without a more thorough discussion of touching (or kinoing).  I need to include kinoing because I believe this is the second biggest reason why Asian guys fail in courtship. 

Due to cultural norms, Asians are taught to be sexually passive and that sex is something to be done only after marriage.  Asian culture clearly doesn't celebrate sex as much as, say, black or Hispanic culture.  So whereas virtually all black and Latino guys have gotten laid by 16, most Asian guys haven't even landed their first girlfriend yet. 

Most Asian guys think Asian girls want their bodies respected and that displays of sexuality is an inappropriate perversion.  That is not how most girls think. 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19085605

I will like to show Exhibit #1 (see above link).  This article discusses an anonymous survey of 350 female college students.  It reveals two-thirds of them admitted to having "rape fantasies".  The researchers believe this number is higher but most girls won't admit it (even anonymously) due to religious, political or social beliefs. 

This isn't some sophomoric survey done by Playboy or Maxim magazine but an academic research conducted by the Department of Psychology at the University of North Texas. 

Now, I want to make it clear that I'm not advocating physical assault.  Surely nobody likes physical pain and bodily harm.  I just want to point out why women have these fantasies. 

They're turned on by these fantasies not because of the sex or violence but because men are depicted as bold, dominating and physically assertive.  Not surprisingly, trashy romance novels almost always depict near-rape situations for the heroine. 

Interestingly, the reason girls have "rape fantasies" instead of "sex fantasies" is, it implies the girl first needs to resist the man.  Society pressures women against being slutty -- so she puts up resistance so others wouldn't think of her that way.  Her resistance gives her what PUAs call "plausible deniability", meaning she now has an alibi.  With resistance, she's technically not a slut, so she can grant herself permission to want and enjoy sex. 

Now that we've learned that your expressions of sexuality are actually desirable to girls, I'll talk about what to do with this knowledge in the next chapter. 

Alpha male cheatsheet

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

In all my time writing about courtship, I've never written a single word about winning someone back.  That's because I believe once you've been friendzoned or marked as a "nice guy", the reputation sticks.  Just take the loss and move on.

The great thing about meeting someone new or being in a new environment is, you can start from scratch and be whoever you convey yourself to be.  Nobody needs to know what a loser you were in high school or how you can't get laid in a whorehouse. 

To make a fantastic first impression as an alpha male, here is a cheatsheet of 10 things to remember for your first (or almost first) one-on-one interaction with a girl.  All 10 things are derived from material in this series.

1.  Say NO once in while or refuse to answer her question. 

2.  Disagree playfully on stupid trivial matters.  But if she insists on being right, don't linger on it and jump to another topic. 

3.  More than once, touch her near her elbow to emphasize a point or if something funny is said. 

4.  Your posture and voice needs to show zero intimidation.  It doesn't matter if she's taller than you, more educated or if she's Miss Universe second runner up. 

5.  Maintain eye contact and a slight smile.  But avoid having a huge, eager, ecstatic smile.  Your eye contact should include "sticky eyes" where your gaze lingers slightly longer than normal.

6.  Never lean in towards her. 

7.  Make one suggestive remark.  "Hey, you're funnier than my last girlfriend" or "I think my mom would like someone like you". 

8.  Do not sell yourself.  Don't bring up your accomplishments or positive attributes unless she asks. 

9.  Speak boldly, assertively and make strong sweeping declarations.  "Guys who have cats are usually gay or metrosexual".  If she disagrees and provokes an argument, see #2. 

10.  Resist all urge to say something sweet and sappy. 

No matter how the interaction went, you need to be the first to end it.  That is the ultimate indicator that you're not needy, clingy or invested.  If you'll likely see her again, just abruptly end it.  If not, you'll need to exchange phone numbers or Facebook. 

Before parting, give her a touch again.  If the interaction went really well, give a side hug.  Either way, you need to touch and go.  Don't linger or prolong. 

If you do all this, congratulations! She will likely perceive you as an alpha male who's confident, fun and easy to talk to. 

Three more quickie "mistakes"

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

If I were to expand this series to 15 “mistakes”, here would be three more common courtship mistakes...

Mistake #13 - Blabbing too much information

Many guys try building rapport by telling girls all about themselves, particularly his recent social activities and past relationships.  This is a bad idea. 

Instead, you need to maintain a bit of mystery.  Don't volunteer excess information.  If you avoid answering, she'll imagine all sort of crazy stuff about you.  For example, if she asks what you did last weekend and you say "I'm not sure I should say", she'll think your weekend resembled the movie The Hangover.  That's exactly what you want her to think.  The same about your past relationships.  Once she obsesses what you're not telling, it will make it likelier for her to develop interest for you.  Not to mention, her persistent attempts to pry can be taken as a strong IOI. 

Let's be honest.  Most of us live pretty drab lives.  So don't confirm it by expressing it.  Also don't update all your happenings on Facebook. 

DLV: Telling everything about yourself
DHV: Being mysterious


Mistake #14 - Expressing low standards

Don't be afraid to sound exclusive.  No girl wants an easy guy who falls in love easily with anybody.  If you have high standards, she'll assume you have options.  If she thinks you have options, she'll assume you have lots of girls surrounding you (which is what you want her to think). 

When she asks what you're looking for in a girlfriend, give detailed standards.  Just make sure she's not excluded.  For example, if she's Korean, don't say you only go for Chinese.  Don't be afraid to talk about appearances either, as long as you're not obsessed with sexual body parts. 

Also, talk about ex-girlfriends and girls you've dated and why they didn't make the cut.  Make it sound like you've rejected girls.  To avoid sounding conceited, also mention these girls' good traits and how it was a tough decision to dump them. 

DLV: Desperate for any girlfriend
DHV: Having standards


Mistake #15 - Not being "macho"

Many guys try to adapt a particular girl's characteristics in a conscious or subconscious effort to be similar (a "good couple").  If she cries in movies, you cry.  If ghost stories frighten her, you also get frightened.  If she worries about not finding a job, you also worry. 

This is a bad idea because most of the time, you assume feminine traits that makes you look totally beta. 

Women are emotionally fragile and inherently seek men to be her leader and protector.  You cannot be girlie or some chickenshit.  Don't show excess worrying or trepidation.  For example, if suddenly there's thunder, she will likely get scared or freaked-out.  You cannot.  When she's fragile, you need to show bravado...the guy who tells her "everything will be OK" or "there's nothing to be worried about" and that everything is under control. 

DLV: Being feminine
DHV: Showing bravado

Supplemental to Mistake #12 - Not taking bold risks

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

In Chapter 12, I talked about looking for IOIs (indicators of interest) to determine opportune times to escalate. 

Remember that IOIs are not proof of interest, just indicators.  No one can possibly know what's in her head.  But if she shows many IOIs, particularly strong IOIs, there's increased chance she's interested and you need to escalate immediately.  If you fail to show social leadership at such crucial moments, she may lose interest -- not necessarily because she's consciously punishing you but because she genuinely isn't attracted to guys who aren't social leaders and go-getters. 

Strong IOIs:
- She asks for your phone number or volunteers hers
- She asks to "hang out sometime"
- She reinitiates conversations when you stop talking
- She touches you repeatedly
- She tries to get rapport and build comfort by agreeing with you
- She compliments you
- She holds eye contact for longer periods of time when she speaks with you
- She calls you a player or a heartbreaker
- On her way out, she reapproaches you to tell you that she is leaving
- On your way out, she asks you where you are going
- She invents reasons to be near you, interact with you, or have isolation with you
- If you move, she follows you or waits for you
- She has a fixated look on you (the "doggy dinner bowl" look)

Weak IOIs (but IOIs nevertheless!)
- While you're talking to her group, she is particularly talkative (to get your attention)
- She asks you for a light or the time or in any way that initiates conversation
- She introduces you to friends
- She's punching your arm but laughing
- She preens her hair or clothing
- When she says or does something, she looks at you to see your reaction
- She looks at you from the side, to hide the fact that she's looking
- She's inquisitive about your past
- She avoids mentioning her boyfriend
- She laughs at your stupid jokes
- She asks you for your name
- She asks you your age
- She says something to her friend and they both giggle
- She interrupts your conversation from nearby
- She looks back and glances at you repeatedly ever minute or so
- She asks if you have a girlfriend
- She mentions your girlfriend without knowing if you actually have one
- She is playful and tries to challenge you
- She's disagreeing but laughing
- When she is sitting next to you her leg touches yours
- She giggles
- Her friends goes away (to the bathroom or bar or dancing) but she stays with you
- She doesn't flinch or pull back if you happen to get too close
- She doesn't resist when you escalate physically (or she gives only token resistance per her ASD)

Not finished yet...

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

Despite posting article #12, there will be at least three more articles before this series is complete.

Mistake #12 - Not taking bold risks

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

There's many areas in courtship where you face rejection:

- Approaching the girl
- Making suggestive remarks
- Asking for a phone number or Facebook
- Touching
- Asking for a date

You need to do them all.  There's no way you'll get anywhere in courtship (and in life) if you don't gamble and risk fucking things up.  Girls can get away with it.  But society deems men to be leaders and initiators -- traits that the female brain is programmed to seek.  You have to man up, grow a pair of balls and stop thinking you can land her without risk (or worst, that she will somehow come to you). 

You also need to take risks early.  You cannot wait for that "big moment" to touch or ask her out.  If you do it early, it will almost seem trivial, as if it's just a normal part of your alpha personality.  This makes it likelier for her to accept your advances.  If you wait too long to make a move, it will look creepy, pressuring and abrupt. 

Lastly, if you're rejected, do not assume it's game over.  There are a myraid of reasons why she refused your advances.  You'd find that many times, she "rejects" you only because she was shellshocked.  Once she thinks it through, she might come around.  So in facing "rejection", just try again later.  Maybe give 3-4 chances before quitting.  Even if you truly get rejected, it's better to have the band-aid pulled off immediately than slowly. 

Some of you fear being aggressive and screwing things up.  "She's the conservative type" or "girls like taking it slow".  That's bullshit.  Even conservative shy types fantacize about being suddenly swept off her feet.  The truth is, if a girl rejects you for asserting yourself (within reason), you probably never had a chance to begin with. 

Of course, there's such a thing as being too aggressive. 

- You're too aggressive if you're trying to force a resolution or to overcome persistant resistance. 
- You're too passive if, when you ask yourself "when was the last time I took a real risk with her?" and the answer is "never", "rarely" or "it's been a while". 

I know this is a dumb analogy, but it's like walking a dog.  The dog is too aggressive if you feel constantly pulled from the leash.  The dog is too passive if the leash is always slack.  It's best to sometimes feel a bit of a tug. 

The bottom line is, girls are attracted to guys who take risk and initiative.  This has been an overarching theme of this series. 

Of course, there's good and bad timing to risk-taking.  One way to determine good timing is when you spot IOIs (indicators of interest).  Here are a few types of IOIs (a fuller list will appear as a supplemental to this article).  .  . 

Strong IOIs:
- She touches you repeatedly
- She suggests to hang out sometime
- She asks or volunteers her phone number

Weak IOIs (but IOIs nevertheless):
- She preens her clothing or hair
- She's inquisitive about your past
- When the conversation drags, she tries to prolong it
- She laughs at your stupid jokes

If you spot several IOIs, particularly strong IOIs, it's your sign to make a move.  She's practically begging you! If you don't, don't be surprised if she loses interest.  In addition to having her ego bruised, she will feel you've failed to demonstrate social leadership, which makes her less attracted. 

Even if you don't spot any IOIs, you still need to roll the dice and take a gamble -- although you'll probably need to take smaller risks and be more subtle. 

DLV: Not taking a risk
DHV: Taking bold risks and doing it early

Mistake #11 - Displaying poor body language

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

Even if you know what to say to improve your courtship odds, all that becomes irrelevant if you display poor body language.  For example, I advocated not letting a girl know you've fallen for her.  But if your body language shows that you have, then all your efforts will be in vain.  People infer a great deal from body language.  There are studies that show 90% of your personality is conveyed nonverbally. 

First, let's look at your eyes.  We talked a bit about this in Article #6 to achieve a "romantic frame".  But I want to go one step further and use eye contact to express general alphaness. 

Your eyes are a dead giveaway if you're insecure, nervous or untrustworthy.  You mustn't be afraid of looking someone in the eye when you speak (while glancing away momentarily for relief).  You might think this is obvious, but I encounter people everyday who can't do that.  I walk pass strangers in the halls at work and many would suddenly look downwards or away.  When they do, I'd always feel a sense of alphaness over them. 

Also, watch for shifty eyes.  If you’re talking to more than one person, don’t shift your eyes when looking at each person.  Move your head towards them instead. 

The same about eye contact can be said for that cute stranger at a party.  As long as you're not staring like a predator, your willingness to look will establish your dominance immediately.  The trick is to look while having a slight, innocent smile on your face.  Ideally, if eye contact is made, she's the one who looks away first. 

Forget any notion that girls don't want to be "checked out".  Girls don't obsess over their appearance because they don't want someone to look -- as long as you're not doing in a perverted way (i.e, looking at their breasts). 

The worst thing to do is suddenly darting your eyes away if eye contact is established.  If she sees you doing that, you've demonstrated that you're a creepy stalker because she knows you've been checking her out but you're terrified of being discovered.  I know averting your eyes is often an involuntary response.  If you do it, just look back at her immediately. 

Second, let's look at your posture. 

Many guys make the mistake of leaning into the girl when talking.  Unfortunately, this conveys eagerness and fixation.  The more you seem invested in her, especially when she hasn't earned you yet, the more beta you appear. 

Instead of leaning in, stand straight or even lean slightly back.  When seated, you must lean slightly away (but not slouching).  If you do a good job interacting with her, you'd often find that she begins to lean towards you instead.  Do not wrap your arms around yourself or fold your arms.  The more space you take up, the more alpha you seem.  Do not fidget with your hands or make unnecessary movements.  The person who moves least is perceived as having more social value.  The only exception is making minor hand gestures to accentuate something you’ve said. 

The good news is, displaying proper eye and body language is simple.  You just need to be conscious of it.  I know this sounds gay, but you want to have a "glow" about yourself.  You display this glow with your eyes, a slight smile and proper posture.  You want to tell others nonverbally that you fucking own the place and you just got laid. 

The next time you interact with a girl, I want you to mentally recite this sentence to yourself: "I OWN THIS FUCKING LITTLE SLUT".  You might be surprised how you're suddenly less nervous and how your body responds as if it believes what you've said. 

DLV: Poor body language
DHV: Confident body language

Mistake #10 - Not getting her on a date

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

Unless you get a girl on a date, all that flirting and teasing stuff don't mean shit.  Don't kid yourself.  There's a human bond achievable only when people spend physical time alone.  Not to mention, getting her on a date is an accurate way to judge how she feels about you since it requires her to invest time and effort. 

Because dating is your ultimate goal in courtship, watch how you use the phone.  The phone should only be used for one reason: to get her out.  Don't have long text or phone conversations.  That's what girls do with other girls.  If she really enjoys interacting with you, she'd agree to do it in-person.  If not, you're just her personal clown she turns to when bored. 

There are two cardinal rules for asking a first or second date. 

First, do it early in the courtship.  She will think your invitation is just a normal part of your cool sociable personality and that you're a social leader who takes charge.  If instead you wait forever for that "big moment", your request will come off as abrupt, pressuring and weird.  This makes her less likely to accept.  She will not react well if she feels creeped out. 

Second, you need to ask casually.  This is why "getting coffee" is so trendy these days.  Don't use words like "date" or "go out".  Don't offer to watch a movie or a walk on the beach.  Avoid Fridays, Saturdays and other "special" days like Valentine's or her birthday.  Your invite must sound like a passing casual remark, as if you're asking buddies to come over to play video games. 

WRONG: "Are you free this Saturday night to watch a movie?
CORRECT: "Hey, let's go grab some coffee.  "

WRONG: "I was wondering if you'd like to go out tomorrow night"
CORRECT: "Let's try some Indian food later.  "

If she's unsure whether it's a "date" or just a friendly thing, you're on the right track.  Trust me.  If the outing goes well, there'd be plenty of opportunity to escalate. 

You might not even want to ask but to command in a friendly humorous way...

- "Hey, I have a craving...come with me to get something at Starbucks"
- [on text message] hey get ur ass out, i gotta show u sumthing

Even if she's interested, expect her to give token resistance as part of her
Anti-Slut Defense.  She might say NO, make some phony excuse or raise a fuss about the time and place.  Just react in a light and teasing way and ask again. 

- "Busy my ass!"
- "You can study for your midterms tomorrow"
- "Are you always such a pain in the ass?"

If she still refuses, let it go and ask again some other time.  Remember the last article and don't show anger, spitefulness or disappointment in any serious manner. 

Even if she agrees, you should expect possible flaking.  If she does, it might mean you haven't attracted her enough.  Or it might have nothing to do with you.  Girls are emotionally unstable.  They flake on guys, on girls, even on themselves.  You must accept unstable female behavior if you're to succeed in courtship.  This is why you need to cast a big net and be involved with multiple girls.  If one flakes, text someone else to come out or just go home, jerk off and live to fight another day. 

DLV - Hesitating on asking for a date
DHV - Asking for a date early

Mistake #9 - Confessing

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

First of all, let's define "confessing".  My definition of confessing is, telling a girl directly, out-of-the-blue and in a serious tone that you're romantically interested.  Most girls will advise you to do it, that you should “just tell her how you feel".  Funny, most girls who give such shitty advice rarely follow it themselves.  She usually won't confess because she'd feel it's the other person's job to confess first. 

One of my first posts on AF was about confessing and why not to do it.  Here's the argument...

If a girl isn't attracted to you, confessing won't suddenly change her mind.  She's not going to think "wow, I'm so attracted to him now because he confessed!"  Sure, she might try to reward your honesty by giving you a chance.  But most of the time, she won't "feel it" and all she'd give is one or two pity dates.  Surely, you don't want a girl to go out with you because she feels sorry for your ass. 

There's two reasons why confessing makes her less attracted to you. 

First, girls feel most passionate over a guy when she feels doubt.  It's a natural human response.  On the forum, notice girls go craziest when they post those endless "does he like me" threads.  I’ve never seen girls go all insane over a guy who constantly showers her with attention. 

Second, doubt is effective at building attraction because she lacks control over you.  In a social arrangement, the superior is in control while the inferior is controlled.  As I've said a billion times already, your job is to give the impression that you’re her superior and a social leader.  Therefore, you cannot surrender control by confessing. 

However, you can't plant too much doubt or else she will withdraw, especially girls who lack confidence.  Like putting a carrot in front of a horse, the girl must think you're still somewhat attainable. 

Therefore, the formula to attracting a girl is...

PASSION = HOPE + DOUBT

Your courtship strategy is, always keep her slightly off-balance and guessing.  Yes, you should show interest.  But she must think whether your interest is genuine or whether it will endure.  Most girls will deny it, but deep down, they indeed want guys who are hard-to-get. 

Most guys feel the greatest urge to confess when things are going sour.  So he impatiently throws a desperate Hail Mary which, ironically, loses the game immediately.  The need to confess, therefore, is symptom of a bigger problem.  And that is, he has failed to adequately attract the girl.  So instead of throwing a Hail Mary, he should be a bit more patient and work on becoming more attractive. 

DLV: Confessing
DHV: Keeping her guessing