This is going to be a long entry. But I hope you guys stick with reading it because I think you'll learn something important, something that took a long time for me to figure out, and something I never revealed on AsianFanatics. On Day 1 of the Stylelife Challenge, Neil Strauss invited readers to evaluate themselves, share "limiting beliefs" and how they want to be perceived by others. Most of this is personal so I will not be sharing most of my self-evaluation with you.
However, I would like to share a story that happened two years ago, an event that taught me how to better socialize with strangers.
Before this event, most people would probably think I'm a smart, nice and pleasant guy. But I was never popular. I thought people would take an interest in me because I was intelligent or can play the piano or had lots of interesting theories about the world. But that was hardly the case. In fact, strangers probably felt I was a tad socially-awkward and reserved. Not enough to be creepy, but enough so that I'm not the preferred choice to hang with at a party.
All that changed two years ago.
During August 2007, my sister got married in San Francisco. Over the four day celebration, I was surrounded by strangers. In the past, I would be the nice quiet guy you'd talk to only when no one else was around. But for some odd reason, I decided to take on a new personality. The results of this new personality absolutely floored me. I was actually the guy whom others wanted to hang with. This has never happened to me before.
This is what I did. . .
First, I initiated with people. I made it a point to go up to every stranger, say something welcoming, and then engage in chitchat that mostly focused on the other person. This was easier to do than in typical situations because I was the brother of the bride and had a natural advantage.
Second, my posture and demeanor improved. It didn't matter if the other person was beautiful, ugly, taller, smarter, richer, etc. I approached and talked as if I was completely comfortable (even when I wasn't). I stood tall, chin up and spoke assertively and decisively.
Third, I did not strive to impress. I didn't use fancy words or imply any sense of intelligence. Instead, I was edgy. I poked fun (gently, of course). I didn't care about speaking perfectly or being a gentlemen. Although I wouldn't say anything offensive, I didn't hide from being blunt and slightly controversial. I was casual and didn't cling. I expressed myself with a few "shit"s and "fuck"s, something I never did with strangers before.
OMG, what a difference these three things made! My sister's wedding was probably the most important event in her life. Unbeknownst to her, it was also a very important event for me because of this self-discovery. It was one of the turning points of my life.
Next time you're at a social gathering, try doing these three things. I guarantee people would respond much more favorably towards you. The reason this works is, it relates to a core principle of the Mystery Method. And that is, expressing insecurity hastens social death. Not approaching people is an act of insecurity. Not having proper posture is an act of insecurity. Trying to impress is an act of insecurity. Nobody wants to hang with people with security issues. And that was once my problem.
I would read back with embarrassment at Facebook postings I wrote before this discovery. I was so intent on portraying myself online as being smart and proper. Now I realize how foolish it looked. It reeked of insecurity.
Lots of guys on AF (and Asian guys in general) think they can impress girls with sporty cars, diplomas and fancy job titles. If they only knew how stupid this strategy is.
I've come a long way when it comes to being sociable. But I still have work to do. Mastering this art is what I hope to accomplish in the Stylelife Challenge -- and one of the goals I wrote about on my self-evaluation. For me, this challenge is not just about girls and pickup.
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