Mistake #3 - Expecting her to initiate

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

I know a lot of you younger guys want girls to come to you, perhaps for your good looks, your ripping muscles or your sense of humor.  Who wouldn't want to be approached, to have a feeling of power?

If that's your expectation though, you will have a shitty time with women for the rest of your life.  Humans are biologically programmed to expect men to be leaders and women to be followers.  As such, girls can get away with not taking social initiative, but NOT GUYS.  You will have nothing in life worth having (whether in courtship, business, education, etc.) if you expect the other person to approach first.

The truth is, girls do not develop emotional attraction for a guy based on appearances alone.  The reason is simple.  Girls want social leaders, and social leaders are hard to detect visually.  Ugly guys can be social leaders (like Bill Gates); good looking guys can work the graveshift shift at Burger King.  Her primodal brain knows that, which is why apperances are not of utmost concern (as it is for guys).

You must rely NOT on your appearance to get her to come to you, but on demonstrating leadership skills by going to her.

There is something extremely attractive to girls about guys who takes charge.  If you wait or allow her to approach first, you lose a vital opportunity to show leadership skills at the get-go.  You might be thrilled that she initiated something.  But in reality, you've already given her a negative first impression.  Any other acts of "Nice Guy-ness" on your part will feed on that initial impression ("ah, I knew right away he's a wuss").

By the way, if a girl initiates a date, I think you'd find most of the time, she wants something ulterior (help on homework? a ride to work? a free lunch?).  If she’s emotionally invested, she is unlikely to do something that bold for fear of having her fragile ego deflated. 

Don't believe most girls who claim to prefer shy types.  Perhaps the unattractive girls will (they have no choice).  But not the decent ones, and certainly not the attractive ones.  Even shy girls are fantasizing about outgoing guys. 

So this is how it works:

- A girl determines whether a guy has social leadership skills
- Based on that, she determines if a guy is physically attractive

Yes, that means her visual perception is based mostly on non-physical cues.  That's why girls can find ugly, freakish-looking Korean stars to be "hot".  Most of these "hot" guys, before acquiring fame, would not even get a second glance from girls on the streets. 

Lastly, understand the difference between taking initiative and chasing.  Taking initiative simply means showing interest first.  Chasing means you initiate repeatedly despite resistance or indifference.  The best approach to initiating is one where you show interest, but in a non-pressuring and slightly indifferent way (not in a desperate, fixated way).  We'll take more about the distinction between the two in the chapters ahead. 

DLV - Waiting, expecting the girl to make the first move
DHV - Making the first move and taking charge