Three more quickie "mistakes"

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

If I were to expand this series to 15 “mistakes”, here would be three more common courtship mistakes...

Mistake #13 - Blabbing too much information

Many guys try building rapport by telling girls all about themselves, particularly his recent social activities and past relationships.  This is a bad idea. 

Instead, you need to maintain a bit of mystery.  Don't volunteer excess information.  If you avoid answering, she'll imagine all sort of crazy stuff about you.  For example, if she asks what you did last weekend and you say "I'm not sure I should say", she'll think your weekend resembled the movie The Hangover.  That's exactly what you want her to think.  The same about your past relationships.  Once she obsesses what you're not telling, it will make it likelier for her to develop interest for you.  Not to mention, her persistent attempts to pry can be taken as a strong IOI. 

Let's be honest.  Most of us live pretty drab lives.  So don't confirm it by expressing it.  Also don't update all your happenings on Facebook. 

DLV: Telling everything about yourself
DHV: Being mysterious


Mistake #14 - Expressing low standards

Don't be afraid to sound exclusive.  No girl wants an easy guy who falls in love easily with anybody.  If you have high standards, she'll assume you have options.  If she thinks you have options, she'll assume you have lots of girls surrounding you (which is what you want her to think). 

When she asks what you're looking for in a girlfriend, give detailed standards.  Just make sure she's not excluded.  For example, if she's Korean, don't say you only go for Chinese.  Don't be afraid to talk about appearances either, as long as you're not obsessed with sexual body parts. 

Also, talk about ex-girlfriends and girls you've dated and why they didn't make the cut.  Make it sound like you've rejected girls.  To avoid sounding conceited, also mention these girls' good traits and how it was a tough decision to dump them. 

DLV: Desperate for any girlfriend
DHV: Having standards


Mistake #15 - Not being "macho"

Many guys try to adapt a particular girl's characteristics in a conscious or subconscious effort to be similar (a "good couple").  If she cries in movies, you cry.  If ghost stories frighten her, you also get frightened.  If she worries about not finding a job, you also worry. 

This is a bad idea because most of the time, you assume feminine traits that makes you look totally beta. 

Women are emotionally fragile and inherently seek men to be her leader and protector.  You cannot be girlie or some chickenshit.  Don't show excess worrying or trepidation.  For example, if suddenly there's thunder, she will likely get scared or freaked-out.  You cannot.  When she's fragile, you need to show bravado...the guy who tells her "everything will be OK" or "there's nothing to be worried about" and that everything is under control. 

DLV: Being feminine
DHV: Showing bravado

Supplemental to Mistake #12 - Not taking bold risks

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

In Chapter 12, I talked about looking for IOIs (indicators of interest) to determine opportune times to escalate. 

Remember that IOIs are not proof of interest, just indicators.  No one can possibly know what's in her head.  But if she shows many IOIs, particularly strong IOIs, there's increased chance she's interested and you need to escalate immediately.  If you fail to show social leadership at such crucial moments, she may lose interest -- not necessarily because she's consciously punishing you but because she genuinely isn't attracted to guys who aren't social leaders and go-getters. 

Strong IOIs:
- She asks for your phone number or volunteers hers
- She asks to "hang out sometime"
- She reinitiates conversations when you stop talking
- She touches you repeatedly
- She tries to get rapport and build comfort by agreeing with you
- She compliments you
- She holds eye contact for longer periods of time when she speaks with you
- She calls you a player or a heartbreaker
- On her way out, she reapproaches you to tell you that she is leaving
- On your way out, she asks you where you are going
- She invents reasons to be near you, interact with you, or have isolation with you
- If you move, she follows you or waits for you
- She has a fixated look on you (the "doggy dinner bowl" look)

Weak IOIs (but IOIs nevertheless!)
- While you're talking to her group, she is particularly talkative (to get your attention)
- She asks you for a light or the time or in any way that initiates conversation
- She introduces you to friends
- She's punching your arm but laughing
- She preens her hair or clothing
- When she says or does something, she looks at you to see your reaction
- She looks at you from the side, to hide the fact that she's looking
- She's inquisitive about your past
- She avoids mentioning her boyfriend
- She laughs at your stupid jokes
- She asks you for your name
- She asks you your age
- She says something to her friend and they both giggle
- She interrupts your conversation from nearby
- She looks back and glances at you repeatedly ever minute or so
- She asks if you have a girlfriend
- She mentions your girlfriend without knowing if you actually have one
- She is playful and tries to challenge you
- She's disagreeing but laughing
- When she is sitting next to you her leg touches yours
- She giggles
- Her friends goes away (to the bathroom or bar or dancing) but she stays with you
- She doesn't flinch or pull back if you happen to get too close
- She doesn't resist when you escalate physically (or she gives only token resistance per her ASD)

Not finished yet...

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

Despite posting article #12, there will be at least three more articles before this series is complete.

Mistake #12 - Not taking bold risks

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

There's many areas in courtship where you face rejection:

- Approaching the girl
- Making suggestive remarks
- Asking for a phone number or Facebook
- Touching
- Asking for a date

You need to do them all.  There's no way you'll get anywhere in courtship (and in life) if you don't gamble and risk fucking things up.  Girls can get away with it.  But society deems men to be leaders and initiators -- traits that the female brain is programmed to seek.  You have to man up, grow a pair of balls and stop thinking you can land her without risk (or worst, that she will somehow come to you). 

You also need to take risks early.  You cannot wait for that "big moment" to touch or ask her out.  If you do it early, it will almost seem trivial, as if it's just a normal part of your alpha personality.  This makes it likelier for her to accept your advances.  If you wait too long to make a move, it will look creepy, pressuring and abrupt. 

Lastly, if you're rejected, do not assume it's game over.  There are a myraid of reasons why she refused your advances.  You'd find that many times, she "rejects" you only because she was shellshocked.  Once she thinks it through, she might come around.  So in facing "rejection", just try again later.  Maybe give 3-4 chances before quitting.  Even if you truly get rejected, it's better to have the band-aid pulled off immediately than slowly. 

Some of you fear being aggressive and screwing things up.  "She's the conservative type" or "girls like taking it slow".  That's bullshit.  Even conservative shy types fantacize about being suddenly swept off her feet.  The truth is, if a girl rejects you for asserting yourself (within reason), you probably never had a chance to begin with. 

Of course, there's such a thing as being too aggressive. 

- You're too aggressive if you're trying to force a resolution or to overcome persistant resistance. 
- You're too passive if, when you ask yourself "when was the last time I took a real risk with her?" and the answer is "never", "rarely" or "it's been a while". 

I know this is a dumb analogy, but it's like walking a dog.  The dog is too aggressive if you feel constantly pulled from the leash.  The dog is too passive if the leash is always slack.  It's best to sometimes feel a bit of a tug. 

The bottom line is, girls are attracted to guys who take risk and initiative.  This has been an overarching theme of this series. 

Of course, there's good and bad timing to risk-taking.  One way to determine good timing is when you spot IOIs (indicators of interest).  Here are a few types of IOIs (a fuller list will appear as a supplemental to this article).  .  . 

Strong IOIs:
- She touches you repeatedly
- She suggests to hang out sometime
- She asks or volunteers her phone number

Weak IOIs (but IOIs nevertheless):
- She preens her clothing or hair
- She's inquisitive about your past
- When the conversation drags, she tries to prolong it
- She laughs at your stupid jokes

If you spot several IOIs, particularly strong IOIs, it's your sign to make a move.  She's practically begging you! If you don't, don't be surprised if she loses interest.  In addition to having her ego bruised, she will feel you've failed to demonstrate social leadership, which makes her less attracted. 

Even if you don't spot any IOIs, you still need to roll the dice and take a gamble -- although you'll probably need to take smaller risks and be more subtle. 

DLV: Not taking a risk
DHV: Taking bold risks and doing it early

Mistake #11 - Displaying poor body language

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

Even if you know what to say to improve your courtship odds, all that becomes irrelevant if you display poor body language.  For example, I advocated not letting a girl know you've fallen for her.  But if your body language shows that you have, then all your efforts will be in vain.  People infer a great deal from body language.  There are studies that show 90% of your personality is conveyed nonverbally. 

First, let's look at your eyes.  We talked a bit about this in Article #6 to achieve a "romantic frame".  But I want to go one step further and use eye contact to express general alphaness. 

Your eyes are a dead giveaway if you're insecure, nervous or untrustworthy.  You mustn't be afraid of looking someone in the eye when you speak (while glancing away momentarily for relief).  You might think this is obvious, but I encounter people everyday who can't do that.  I walk pass strangers in the halls at work and many would suddenly look downwards or away.  When they do, I'd always feel a sense of alphaness over them. 

Also, watch for shifty eyes.  If you’re talking to more than one person, don’t shift your eyes when looking at each person.  Move your head towards them instead. 

The same about eye contact can be said for that cute stranger at a party.  As long as you're not staring like a predator, your willingness to look will establish your dominance immediately.  The trick is to look while having a slight, innocent smile on your face.  Ideally, if eye contact is made, she's the one who looks away first. 

Forget any notion that girls don't want to be "checked out".  Girls don't obsess over their appearance because they don't want someone to look -- as long as you're not doing in a perverted way (i.e, looking at their breasts). 

The worst thing to do is suddenly darting your eyes away if eye contact is established.  If she sees you doing that, you've demonstrated that you're a creepy stalker because she knows you've been checking her out but you're terrified of being discovered.  I know averting your eyes is often an involuntary response.  If you do it, just look back at her immediately. 

Second, let's look at your posture. 

Many guys make the mistake of leaning into the girl when talking.  Unfortunately, this conveys eagerness and fixation.  The more you seem invested in her, especially when she hasn't earned you yet, the more beta you appear. 

Instead of leaning in, stand straight or even lean slightly back.  When seated, you must lean slightly away (but not slouching).  If you do a good job interacting with her, you'd often find that she begins to lean towards you instead.  Do not wrap your arms around yourself or fold your arms.  The more space you take up, the more alpha you seem.  Do not fidget with your hands or make unnecessary movements.  The person who moves least is perceived as having more social value.  The only exception is making minor hand gestures to accentuate something you’ve said. 

The good news is, displaying proper eye and body language is simple.  You just need to be conscious of it.  I know this sounds gay, but you want to have a "glow" about yourself.  You display this glow with your eyes, a slight smile and proper posture.  You want to tell others nonverbally that you fucking own the place and you just got laid. 

The next time you interact with a girl, I want you to mentally recite this sentence to yourself: "I OWN THIS FUCKING LITTLE SLUT".  You might be surprised how you're suddenly less nervous and how your body responds as if it believes what you've said. 

DLV: Poor body language
DHV: Confident body language