Mistake #10 - Not getting her on a date

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

Unless you get a girl on a date, all that flirting and teasing stuff don't mean shit.  Don't kid yourself.  There's a human bond achievable only when people spend physical time alone.  Not to mention, getting her on a date is an accurate way to judge how she feels about you since it requires her to invest time and effort. 

Because dating is your ultimate goal in courtship, watch how you use the phone.  The phone should only be used for one reason: to get her out.  Don't have long text or phone conversations.  That's what girls do with other girls.  If she really enjoys interacting with you, she'd agree to do it in-person.  If not, you're just her personal clown she turns to when bored. 

There are two cardinal rules for asking a first or second date. 

First, do it early in the courtship.  She will think your invitation is just a normal part of your cool sociable personality and that you're a social leader who takes charge.  If instead you wait forever for that "big moment", your request will come off as abrupt, pressuring and weird.  This makes her less likely to accept.  She will not react well if she feels creeped out. 

Second, you need to ask casually.  This is why "getting coffee" is so trendy these days.  Don't use words like "date" or "go out".  Don't offer to watch a movie or a walk on the beach.  Avoid Fridays, Saturdays and other "special" days like Valentine's or her birthday.  Your invite must sound like a passing casual remark, as if you're asking buddies to come over to play video games. 

WRONG: "Are you free this Saturday night to watch a movie?
CORRECT: "Hey, let's go grab some coffee.  "

WRONG: "I was wondering if you'd like to go out tomorrow night"
CORRECT: "Let's try some Indian food later.  "

If she's unsure whether it's a "date" or just a friendly thing, you're on the right track.  Trust me.  If the outing goes well, there'd be plenty of opportunity to escalate. 

You might not even want to ask but to command in a friendly humorous way...

- "Hey, I have a craving...come with me to get something at Starbucks"
- [on text message] hey get ur ass out, i gotta show u sumthing

Even if she's interested, expect her to give token resistance as part of her
Anti-Slut Defense.  She might say NO, make some phony excuse or raise a fuss about the time and place.  Just react in a light and teasing way and ask again. 

- "Busy my ass!"
- "You can study for your midterms tomorrow"
- "Are you always such a pain in the ass?"

If she still refuses, let it go and ask again some other time.  Remember the last article and don't show anger, spitefulness or disappointment in any serious manner. 

Even if she agrees, you should expect possible flaking.  If she does, it might mean you haven't attracted her enough.  Or it might have nothing to do with you.  Girls are emotionally unstable.  They flake on guys, on girls, even on themselves.  You must accept unstable female behavior if you're to succeed in courtship.  This is why you need to cast a big net and be involved with multiple girls.  If one flakes, text someone else to come out or just go home, jerk off and live to fight another day. 

DLV - Hesitating on asking for a date
DHV - Asking for a date early

Mistake #9 - Confessing

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

First of all, let's define "confessing".  My definition of confessing is, telling a girl directly, out-of-the-blue and in a serious tone that you're romantically interested.  Most girls will advise you to do it, that you should “just tell her how you feel".  Funny, most girls who give such shitty advice rarely follow it themselves.  She usually won't confess because she'd feel it's the other person's job to confess first. 

One of my first posts on AF was about confessing and why not to do it.  Here's the argument...

If a girl isn't attracted to you, confessing won't suddenly change her mind.  She's not going to think "wow, I'm so attracted to him now because he confessed!"  Sure, she might try to reward your honesty by giving you a chance.  But most of the time, she won't "feel it" and all she'd give is one or two pity dates.  Surely, you don't want a girl to go out with you because she feels sorry for your ass. 

There's two reasons why confessing makes her less attracted to you. 

First, girls feel most passionate over a guy when she feels doubt.  It's a natural human response.  On the forum, notice girls go craziest when they post those endless "does he like me" threads.  I’ve never seen girls go all insane over a guy who constantly showers her with attention. 

Second, doubt is effective at building attraction because she lacks control over you.  In a social arrangement, the superior is in control while the inferior is controlled.  As I've said a billion times already, your job is to give the impression that you’re her superior and a social leader.  Therefore, you cannot surrender control by confessing. 

However, you can't plant too much doubt or else she will withdraw, especially girls who lack confidence.  Like putting a carrot in front of a horse, the girl must think you're still somewhat attainable. 

Therefore, the formula to attracting a girl is...

PASSION = HOPE + DOUBT

Your courtship strategy is, always keep her slightly off-balance and guessing.  Yes, you should show interest.  But she must think whether your interest is genuine or whether it will endure.  Most girls will deny it, but deep down, they indeed want guys who are hard-to-get. 

Most guys feel the greatest urge to confess when things are going sour.  So he impatiently throws a desperate Hail Mary which, ironically, loses the game immediately.  The need to confess, therefore, is symptom of a bigger problem.  And that is, he has failed to adequately attract the girl.  So instead of throwing a Hail Mary, he should be a bit more patient and work on becoming more attractive. 

DLV: Confessing
DHV: Keeping her guessing

Mistake #8 - Losing your cool

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

To be sure, it's often frustrating dealing with girls.  She can get moody, suddenly shows interest and then disinterest (or vice versa), disrespects you, flakes on you, steps all over you, etc. 

There are many reasons why girls might do this...

First, girls have massive egos and embedded with an Anti-Slut Defense (ASD).  If she feels you've rejected her, her ego will kick in and she will get fiesty and seek revenge.  If she feels she's been "too easy" fawning all over you like an idiot, her ASD will activate and she'll withdraw. 

Second, it can be a shit test.  Shit tests are obstacles girls erect (perhaps subconsciously) to test how much you like her.  It's common amongst low self-esteem and less attractive girls. 

Third, many Asian girls (particularly brainy ones) have retarded social skills because of courtship inexperience. 

Lastly, you need to examine your own behavior and not pin it all on the girl.  Have you engaged in DLV behavior that would repel a girl? Keep in mind that girls don't primarily based their attraction on a guy's physical appearance.  She bases it mostly on whether you demonstrate social leadership.  That perception can change quickly based on your behavior or inaction. 

When encountering negative female behavior, many guys have reacted by...

- Telling the girl off
- Giving a cold shoulder or silent treatment
- Having that "pissed off" look on your face
- Talking trash behind her back
- Debating her to prove she's wrong
- Being petty and "getting even"
- Deleting her off your Facebook
- Confessing
- Crying

The most important thing for you learn here is, NEVER react to a girl's bad behavior.  Every behavior I've listed is a courtship mistake. 

High value males don't lose their cool.  He retains control, does not react and laughs off, brushes off or ignores female nonsense.  This is how you win respect and become her superior (and become attractive to her).  If you react, a girl will feel control over you.  She'd be the superior and you'd be her bitch.  Not the best way to demonstrate social leadership. 

I know it's oftentimes difficult not to react.  But you need your intellect to triumph over your emotions.  Step back and think things over.  Nothing good comes from losing your cool except satisfying your ego for five minutes.  Not only will she become less attracted to you, if she tells her peers, they will lose respect for you too.  This is how a man's social value spirals downward. 

Yes, you need to react somewhat to bad behavior.  But it must be subtle and she must not think you're reacting.  Instead, she must believe you've genuinely lost interest.  You can achieve this effect by becoming 20% less friendly.  I assure you most girls are sensitive enough to notice it. 

In any close friendship, serious arguments will happen.  If you fight it out with her and relations take a hit, you need to be the one to approach her again.  Never apologize if you didn't do anything wrong though.  Just let bygones be bygones and be big enough to approach first. 

DLV: Losing your cool
DHV: Being emotionally in control at all times

Mistake # 7 - Not suggesting yourself as a boyfriend

(An ongoing series on AF: "Twelve common things guys do to screw up with girls")

Most guys fear being too aggressive and scaring off the girl.  So he doesn't present himself as a potential boyfriend until there's a closer friendship.  So he waits and waits for that elusive "best timing". 

Unfortunately, this prudent path is also a likely path to the friendzone.  The act of waiting and hesitating makes him look beta, not a take-action kinda guy typical of a social leader.  This is why many girls who might initially be attracted to a guy would suddenly lose interest.  She's not being fickle.  She simply failed to see leadership qualities. 

We'll talk more about risk-taking in the final chapter of this series.  For now, we need to understand that you need to implant the thought into her head quickly that you're interested in more than friendship.  Many girls, particularly brainy Asian ones, are so socially dense that they will not see you as a potential boyfriend unless you convey your intentions. 

There are three ways to convey your intentions, something the PUA community calls "creating a romantic frame". 

First, you can frame with what you say.  Here are a few sample passing comments you can make, in a joking manner, that conveys your intentions. 

- "See ya at 10:00.  Just to be sure, I'm not gonna make out with you"
- "I think my mom would approve of you.  She hated my last girlfriend.  "
- "Just to let you know, I don't kiss on the first date". 
- "Someday, you'll have to choose between me or your cat". 
- "That's rude! You and I are sooooo getting a divorce". 

It's OK to be bold as long as you say it in a light-hearted, funny, teasing way.  You want to confuse her a bit, making her wonder if you were perhaps being 10% serious.  This advice goes perfect with the previous article on teasing.

Second, you can frame with your eyes.  Try looking at her in a slightly lingering way...perhaps a second or two longer than required.  Or if she looks away, you continue looking at her so that when she looks back, she'll see you were looking. 

Eye contact is really powerful stuff.  We'll talk more about it in Chapter 11. 

Third, you can frame with touching (or kino).  Kino is huge and deserves it's own chapter.  For now, just know that you need to escalate physically.  During those first interactions, tap on her shoulder or the lower part of her arm to stress a point or if something funny is being said.  Once a friendship builds, try touching more frequently.  It should go from touching to side-hugging to frontal-hugging to kissing on the cheeks to even more advanced and daring kino.  Slowly venture deeper until you sense some resistance. 

Not only is kino a great way to build intimacy, it also allows you to judge how she sees you.  Does she welcome your kino?  Does she reciprocates or even escalates?  Or does she wince away?  If she winces away, do not assume this to be rejection.  It only signals where she's drawing the line at the moment.  It's probably worth reattempting later.  If she repeatedly winces away at basic kino, it's not a good sign. 

In all three framing strategies, you're doing something ordinary friends don't do.  As such, it implants the necessary thought in her head that you could be more than just friends. 

DLV: Friends first
DHV: Suggesting early that you can be more than just friends