Flipping through personal issues

I promise to get back to the Stylelife Challenge tomorrow, especially since the weekend will afford me time to complete the field challenge. 

But for now, I want to talk about one of my distant cousins since it fits well with the previous entry.  I've never talked about this to anyone in the "real world" since I'd kill myself if it leaked. 

I have a very distant cousin in Hong Kong named Vivian.  She's so distant, we're barely related.  But she's tight with my sister and unexpectedly showed up at a family retreat in Vancouver last summer. 

I've known Vivian all my life and would see her perhaps every 3-4 years.  She always looked average to me.  She's tall, but because she was so thin and gawky, her body appeared out of proportion.  Needless to say, I never found her remotely attractive. 

But when she showed up for the retreat, boy, I realized she became cute all of a sudden.  She's one of those few girls who managed to look better in her late 20s than in her late teens.  Although she's not "hot" by any stretch, she's solid cute in a girl-next-door kinda way.  I'd give her a 7 or 7. 5. 

I remember returning home from the retreat and pouring over hundreds of photos I've taken.  In almost every photo, every hair on Vivian's head was perfectly groomed and she never failed to flashy a playful inviting smile.  I've ever met someone that photogenic. 

Of course, cute girls are everywhere.  That's not what impressed me.  What impressed me was how cool and smart she was.  She graduated on a full ride to the University of Hong Kong.  From speaking to her, you can immediately sense her intelligence, maturity and a sense of fun and adventure. 

I don't get intimidated by girls, even supermodel ones.  This one intimidated me. 

In every other scenario, I would have gotten friendly during our week together.  I'm not shy.  I could have easily gamed her.  But I didn't.  Remember, this was a family retreat.  If I were caught being friendly to my cousin (which could be borderline incest), my family (particularly my mom) would raise questions, give me funny looks or tease me.  Trust me.  If you knew my family, you'd know how uncomfortable that would be. 

I remember on one afternoon during the retreat, our entire party rode a bus to a wooded area and hiked twenty minutes to some campground.  During the hike, I'd look back and frequently see her walking alone.  I thought several times of slowing down to accompany her -- but I didn't.  I fucking regret that, something that haunted me for several weeks.  I hate myself for failing to do the right thing because I feared how others would perceive it. 

What's really strange about Vivian was how she never seems to have a boyfriend.  And that's the point of this entry.  After the retreat, I rummaged through volumes of photos on her Facebook -- but none of them has her in a romantic pose with a guy.  I know for a fact she's not a lesbian (long story).  So how the heck does a smart, cute, fun girl manage to have such a shitty social life?

I've come to realize that a lot of people have bizarre personal issues that defy logic.  Who knows what hers is.  There are plenty of people who are normal, even attractive, obsessing over their flaws (real and imagined).  This insecurity causes them to withdraw socially or, if someone shows interest, he/she would think he/she's not good enough.  I have a feeling if I tried getting friendly with Vivian, she would have pushed me away.  It’d her loss because she’d never know how much I admired her. 

I certainly had my own personal issues, ones that took years to overcome.  Will Vivian overcome hers?