Neil Strauss signed my book!

On his blog, Neil Strauss said if you mail him the latest copy of his book ("Rules of the Game"), he will sign and send back.  You must include a self addressed stamped envelope, of course.

I got mine signed and returned in about 8 days.

I pixalated my name to protect my identity from you stalkers.

Flipping through personal issues

I promise to get back to the Stylelife Challenge tomorrow, especially since the weekend will afford me time to complete the field challenge. 

But for now, I want to talk about one of my distant cousins since it fits well with the previous entry.  I've never talked about this to anyone in the "real world" since I'd kill myself if it leaked. 

I have a very distant cousin in Hong Kong named Vivian.  She's so distant, we're barely related.  But she's tight with my sister and unexpectedly showed up at a family retreat in Vancouver last summer. 

I've known Vivian all my life and would see her perhaps every 3-4 years.  She always looked average to me.  She's tall, but because she was so thin and gawky, her body appeared out of proportion.  Needless to say, I never found her remotely attractive. 

But when she showed up for the retreat, boy, I realized she became cute all of a sudden.  She's one of those few girls who managed to look better in her late 20s than in her late teens.  Although she's not "hot" by any stretch, she's solid cute in a girl-next-door kinda way.  I'd give her a 7 or 7. 5. 

I remember returning home from the retreat and pouring over hundreds of photos I've taken.  In almost every photo, every hair on Vivian's head was perfectly groomed and she never failed to flashy a playful inviting smile.  I've ever met someone that photogenic. 

Of course, cute girls are everywhere.  That's not what impressed me.  What impressed me was how cool and smart she was.  She graduated on a full ride to the University of Hong Kong.  From speaking to her, you can immediately sense her intelligence, maturity and a sense of fun and adventure. 

I don't get intimidated by girls, even supermodel ones.  This one intimidated me. 

In every other scenario, I would have gotten friendly during our week together.  I'm not shy.  I could have easily gamed her.  But I didn't.  Remember, this was a family retreat.  If I were caught being friendly to my cousin (which could be borderline incest), my family (particularly my mom) would raise questions, give me funny looks or tease me.  Trust me.  If you knew my family, you'd know how uncomfortable that would be. 

I remember on one afternoon during the retreat, our entire party rode a bus to a wooded area and hiked twenty minutes to some campground.  During the hike, I'd look back and frequently see her walking alone.  I thought several times of slowing down to accompany her -- but I didn't.  I fucking regret that, something that haunted me for several weeks.  I hate myself for failing to do the right thing because I feared how others would perceive it. 

What's really strange about Vivian was how she never seems to have a boyfriend.  And that's the point of this entry.  After the retreat, I rummaged through volumes of photos on her Facebook -- but none of them has her in a romantic pose with a guy.  I know for a fact she's not a lesbian (long story).  So how the heck does a smart, cute, fun girl manage to have such a shitty social life?

I've come to realize that a lot of people have bizarre personal issues that defy logic.  Who knows what hers is.  There are plenty of people who are normal, even attractive, obsessing over their flaws (real and imagined).  This insecurity causes them to withdraw socially or, if someone shows interest, he/she would think he/she's not good enough.  I have a feeling if I tried getting friendly with Vivian, she would have pushed me away.  It’d her loss because she’d never know how much I admired her. 

I certainly had my own personal issues, ones that took years to overcome.  Will Vivian overcome hers?

Those nameless fading colors

You're probably wondering why the fuck haven't I written anything on this blog lately.  That might be because you think my entire life is spent on pondering courtship and gender issues.  I know I give that impression since that's the only subject I write about on AF.

But trust me, I have a zillion other concerns and interests.  These days, house-hunting and starting a small business consumes most of my free time.  As such, the Stylelife Challenge has been placed on the back burner.  Hopefully, I'll return to it tomorrow and write a little something about it. 

For now, I want to tell a story.  It's not really a story, but an observation. 

My brother got married seven years ago.  From the marriage, I acquired in-laws on my brother's wife side of the family.  One of these in-laws is this really beautiful Burmese girl I've admired from afar for years.  She doesn’t know it (never caught me looking).  I don't even know her name.  I see her only twice a year, usually Christmas and Chinese New Years.  She'd normally be hanging out with her side of the family and I'd do the same in mine.

She fits into a rare class of girls whom I consider “elegant”.  Elegant girls aren’t just beautiful, they have an aura of sophistication and intelligence.  Having an elegant look does not mean she's actually smart and sophisticated, only that her appearance, fashion sense and demeanor conveys that impression. 

Well, my nameless in-law fits into this rare category.  At least she once did. 

Because I see her so infrequently, I can detect changes in her appearances from one year to the next.  When I first spotted her at my brother’s wedding seven years ago, my immediate thoughts were, "fuck, I can't stop staring."

But as the years wore on (sigh), I can see her appearance declining fast.  Although this is typical of women pushing into her late 20s, the decline is most acutely detectable on the really pretty ones.  Flowers of all types will eventually wilt away, but you notice most the ones that were once the prettiest and most colorful. 

I'll probably see her next month at our Christmas family gathering.  I’m curiously looking forward to it in macabre kind of way, to see how much more her colors have faded.  I don't think she's married.  She could have landed a handsome wealthy husband if she had played her cards correctly, when her beauty was at its peak.  Like for so many modern women these days, she seemed to have allowed her best courtship years to slip irreversibly by without capitalizing. 

General courtship theory for girls – Part 2 of 2

We left off last time figuring out whether you're "in the game". 

If you've determined that you're likely "in the game", that's great!  But that's just the first step.  Guys will also find dozens of girls who meet his physical requirements.  So I assure you that you're not without competitors.  Being in the game does not mean he sees you as girlfriend material.  It does not mean you can sit back and wait for fate to do its magic.  It only means, a door of opportunity has opened.  Your job is to get off your booty and rise to the top of the list. 

The good news is, guys don't automatically go for the hottest girl.  I assure you that your dad didn’t marry your mom because she was the absolute most beautiful.  As long as a girl meets his minimal physical requirements, her personality becomes the make-or-break issue.  So what kind of personality does he look for? Simple.  He's looking for someone who's sweet, who's available, who's feminine (leave your feminist bullshit at home), and who seems to like him in return.  If you can do these four things better than your competitors, you have a shot at winning the rat race. 

The last part is important, the part about someone "who seems to like him in return. " No guy likes rejection, not even the most successful playerish guy.  Mystery is named the #1 pickup artist in the world.  Yet, he still suffers from approach anxiety.  So imagine how terrified your average guy must feel. 

Your job is then to lower his risk and to make him think that, if he takes a risk, you will reward him.  If you play hard-to-get and silly mind games, it raises his risk.  If you're surrounded by lots of guys, it raises his risk.  If you're inconsistent, it raises his risk.  If your Facebook says you're "in a relationship", it raises his risk.  If you're shy and quiet, it raises his risk.  The more risk he feels, the less likely he'll take an initiative.  That's simple human psychology.  You would think this is logical -- except most girls do the illogical thing by playing counterproductive games instead. 

Lowering his risk is simple: take some initiative and make him think you're interested.  Nobody is asking you to ask him out or do something outlandish or slutty.  I’m sure you don’t need me to list ways to show interest.  If you genuinely don’t know how, you are not ready for courtship (let alone ready for a relationship). 

There are certain simple things you can say that signals interest while leading him to take an initiative.  Things like "I want to watch Paranormal Activity but all my friends have already seen it. " Or "I wanna try that new Greek restaurant but none of my friends like Greek food. " These are leading questions.  Hopefully, this makes it easy for him to follow up with an invitation. 

Ultimately, you can never control what the other party does or know anything for certain.  You can only play your best game and hope the chips fall in the right place.  If after you take a few initiatives and he doesn’t respond, hey, take a hint and move on.  Furthermore, let's face it, you won't attract or keep a "hot" guy if you're not "hot" yourself.  So a bit of realism on your part is desperately needed. 

We live in a brutal courtship world.  If you don't play the game properly or understand its rules, the social marketplace will efficiently weed you out of the gene pool.  Once you're out, nobody will miss you =).