Dear JSBach...Thanks for asking this question on the forum! From time to time, I will post selected questions for my blog. This one will post on today's entry.
I know u want to keep ur personal history private with all due respect. but since u had not much confidence b4 as uve stated, can u tell me more about being confident and how u achieved it?
- dude needing confidence (18 January 2011 - 08:27 AM)
My sociophobia was probably worse than most. I grew up with a repressive mother who was highly protective and extremely critical, kind of like a drill sergeant in the military. Even when I was in college, she insisted on regulating most parts of my life. For example, I remember how she once embarrassed the fuck out of me when she came over to my apartment and, in front of my roommates, started berating us on how we should have placed the furniture. Growing up under intimidation, it's no wonder I had zero confidence. My dad was the spineless type who avoids conflict at all cost. So he never defended me even during my mom's most insane episodes.
My transformation took many years. One event that spurred the transformation was when I abruptly quit my job and moved to another city four years ago. It pissed off my parents and was financial disastrous. At one point, there was barely any money left in my checking account. But the lessons I learned were invaluable. I learned to be self-sufficient and independent. Best of all, the new environment away from family, friends and anything familiar gave me that psychological reborn feeling.
Another event that helped in the transformation was posted on my blog over a year ago: click here.
The event was my sister's wedding in 2007. During those four days, I decided to come out of my shell. Prior to this event, I was mostly the nice guy who tried too hard to come off as intelligent and cultured. Instead, I decided to adopt a "fuck it" attitude and didn't care about my image or impressing others. I initiated with people but not in an invested way. In other words, I would approach you to talk -- but not in some clingy "oh please talk to me" manner. I wouldn't talk on eggshells either just to impress or agree with you. And as quickly as I initiated conversation with you, I would end it by talking with someone else.
It was then I realized what young people respond to at social gatherings. People don't enjoy the company of nice, nurturing, smart, proper guys. Anyone who thinks that doesn't live in the remotest sense of reality. Instead, people gravitate towards fun guys -- guys who are boisterous, adventurous, silly, teasing, indifferent and even semi-controversial. Put it another way, people don't enjoy the company of the sweet student in class who always plays by the rules. They prefer the company of the class clown who sometimes gets sent to the principal's office.
I remember the third night of the wedding, at an outdoor reception at a beach house just north of San Francisco. The dinner was over and people were just mingling about. I sat at this table and, before I knew it, realized that several people (mostly girls) started to hang out with me. They could have mingled with scores of other people. But it was me they chose for entertainment. Shit like that never happened to me before. It was one of those "now I get it!" sort of moment that I wish I experienced in high school.
For each of you, you need to have these moments of epiphany from your own experience, not by me talking about it. Unfortunately, I pissed away my college years in a prison of insecurity. But for those of you in your late teens or early twenties, you can follow a different fate.
I still think about those four days in San Francisco often. A large pack of us went bike riding in the vineyards of Napa Valley during the second day. A group photo of us on our bikes is the only photo that sits on my desk at work.
By the way, I get along really well with my parents these days. They seem to respect the fact that I have a backbone and willing to stand up to them. It's as if they secretly wanted me to defy them as a way for me to learn about manhood.
